profit86

This was the year I took back my life and made everything happen.
At least the stuff I've been talking about.

1. Wrote a play, got it produced.
2. Got my Lasik surgery done, perfect eyesight.
3. Got into stand-up comedy.
4. Changed the strategy for my software company, freed up a lot of my time.
5. Started the company I really, really want to run.

and now... liposuction

I feel truly liberated and happy inside. It's a quiet joy.

Profit.

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/afp/20090809/tts-italy-saudi-crime-people-509a08e.html

Burglars steal $15m from Saudi princess

ROME (AFP) - - Burglars made off with jewels and cash worth 11 million euros (15.6 million dollars) from the hotel room of a Saudi princess in Sardinia, Italians newspapers reported Sunday, sparking a diplomatic incident.
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"The thieves used a master key. In 10 minutes at dinner time, without making any noise, they managed to remove the safe from a suite occupied by the Saudi princess," who was not named, the daily La Stampa reported.

The safe was only fixed with silicon to the wall into which it was embedded, it said.

According to the daily La Repubblica, the burglary sparked a diplomatic incident.

"A military official from the Saudi embassy arrived in Sardinia and the Italian secret services and diplomats from both countries have been involved."

A Moroccan businessman also had his room burgled in another luxury hotel on the Costa Smeralda, the most chic resort area on the island, where Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi also owns a luxury villa.

Using a similar technique, thieves pulled the safe out of the wall and got away with around 150,000 euros worth of jewels and money.

Both burglaries were carried out this week. The two hotels belong to the same chain, Iti Hotels.

Investigators suspect they were the work of an expert gang, probably from abroad, helped by someone with inside knowledge, who had worked in both establishments.

A third burglary was carried out in a hotel in Portofino, on Italy's northwest coast, where a German businessman had the safe stolen from his room, containing a million euros worth of jewellery and 3,000 in cash, according to Il Corriere della Sera.

A bunch of stuff Profit believes.

1. I believe there is a larger, invisible part of
ourselves that controls and runs "chance" events
from "behind the scenes". This Director looks out
for us in the best possible way unless we send
him/her the wrong instructions.

The Ancients referred to it as one's Higher Self.

2. I believe humans were actually orginally
designed by the Zeta Reticulans to be a slave race.
This would largely explain why human beings are
good with tools.

3. I believe phonetics and laughter are gifts from
Angels to leapfrog humans into a higher level of
evolution and advancement.

4. I believe in karma. Hence, all debts must be paid
regardless. I believe all things owed someone will
be eventually collected by that person.

5. I believe there is a civilization in the centre
of the Earth known as Agartha. It is populated
by an evolutionary splinter group of humans now
known as the Agarthians.

6. I believe there is a tree that stretches throughout
Creation known as Yggdrasil, the World Tree.
A squirrel, Ratatosk, runs along the World Tree
learning of events and whispers these secrets to
whoever wishes to know.

It probably exists on the Astral Plane.

7. I believe the future can be predicted with some
certainty. I believe I can do this with some
capacity.

8. I believe the Universe responds to our thoughts
and largely gives us what we want.

9. I believe there some people on this earth who are
roughly 20,000 years old and don't look a day over
25. I believe they want to be left alone.

10. I believe anti-gravity aircraft have been built
and tested in secret. I believe the technology
was stolen from the Roswell crash.

11. I believe there is a God of Creation. The same God that breathes
life into everything. The godspark within us all. The All-in-all.

12. I believe there are some manifestations of the old gods.
Known more accurately as Bodhisatvas, these Advanced Beings probably
have their own agenda (evolution) and may (or may not) see it
in their interests to help advance (occasionally) humanity.

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way.

This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

... updated.

Much Ado About Cumming
Much Ado About Humping
King Leer
A Midsummer Night's Wet Dream
A Midsummer Night's Wet Ream
A Merchant of Penis
Dick III
Hairy V
Antony and Cleopatra (make a porno)
Romeo & Julie's Wet.
Othello (When You Go Black...)
Taming of the Screw
The Desperate Housewives of Windsor
Flaming of the Screw (Sequel)

This Shakespeare guy can write, but he didn't appear in his own plays.
I wonder why so many literature teachers talk about him like he lives next door to them.

Co-authored by Shalm.

Officially, "Gay" is a far far worst insult than "Fat".

Nobody really minds being called "fat", but "gay" is just a downright
cut-to-the-bone insult upon your masculinity/feminity and must be met
with nothing less than a hammer to the skull.

Example:

"Dude, that hat is just so gay."

"Dude, that shirt is just so damn gay."

"Dude, you're gay."

Notice to anyone with an IQ less than your height in centimeters:

The above are fighting words and uttering them is asking to be murdered in your sleep.

I watch a lot of movies, but in recent years some have stuck in my mind more than others. Here's a list of more memorable movies from the 2000s.

Movie	Genre	Outstanding Because
The Alibi	Crime/Comedy	Noah Hawley's amazing script.
Lucky Number Slevin	Crime/Comedy	Jason Smilovic's amazing script.
Body of Lies	Spy Thriller	Excellent plot. I love spy stuff.
The Producers	Comedy	Mel Brooks' hilarious screamer of a script.
Hamlet 2	Comedy	TBA.
Down with Love	Comedy	TBA.

OK, OK, so it isn't this day in history, but I thought I'd just get it off my chest.

Fun Facts About World War II.

1. Victory over Japan Day (V-J Day, also known as Victory in the Pacific Day, or V-P Day) is a name chosen for the day on which the Surrender of Japan occurred, effectively ending World War II, and subsequent anniversaries of that event. The term has been applied to both the day on which the initial announcement of Japan's surrender was made in the afternoon of August 15, 1945.
In Singapore, V-J Day is celebrated on August 9.

2. World War II started when Japan attacked & invaded Singapore.
It ended when America bombed Hiroshima & Nagasaki.

3. Eight (8) soldiers were sent out to find Private Ryan.
This was the basis of the war in Europe.

4. Hitler wrote a gay musical "Springtime for Hitler" and gave the starring role to himself. That's why Europe went to war with Germany.

I love history.

Welcome to a new segment we call Everybody Knows!
Each week, we feature stuff that everybody knows, or at least should know.

1. Australopithecus is sometimes believed to be the Missing Link.

2. The Smithsonian Institution (pronounced /smɪθsoʊnɪən/) is an educational and research institute and associated museum complex, administered and funded by the government of the United States and by funds from its endowment.

Join us next week for more... Everybody Knows!

Vampire Monologues wins Best Runner Up Script Theatre Idols 2009,
Best Director (Samantha Scott-Blackhall), Best Soundtrack,
Best Actor (Claude Girardi), Best Narrator (Carina Hales) &
Best Supporting Actors (Elizabeth Tan & James Schubert).

And now the reviews (Names changed).

Who	Said
Shyng	Hey I thought you were a rock star! Damn (the) gay fuckers!
Raz	I can't remember I watched a play as bad as Streetwalkers! Vampire Monologues lost to the worst play in the world. It was awful. By the 3rd scene I needed it to end and there were 14 scenes all together!
SF	Good first effort! Congrats! It was you all over the page! I can't believe I heard those 2 jokes for a 3rd time. I liked the ending of your play better than the other guy's BTW. I laughed the loudest when your Elizabeth couldnt stop herself from giggling when Viktor was rolling around on the floor doing his death monologue. Could you hear me?
Van	Still a congratulations to you. You did well. Don't fret. It's okay, there's always a next time, yeah? Cheers!
Daf	Hey good work. Proud of you. My treat when I get back from Perth!
Germ	Gay play wins? That sucks hairy smelly Indian balls. Still though you did awesome to get so far!
Sunny Bono	Congrats! This is your foothold in the theater scene!
Krisco	You should have won. The other play was just waaaay too angsty.
DanielleDaJerk	I went to watch Theater Idol tonight at the Esplanade... The whole intro thing was VERY LAME... With the Idol show music... Like WTF... Theater is not lame... Don't make it... But parody it is... So... LEt it be then huh? Anyways... They asked if we had any comments and all that... I am not one to speak publicly with such a big audience because I am shy... But had the playwright not run off right after the show end I'd have gone up to him and said good job... The guy who did the Vampire Monologues.... Good work on the funniness... Me thinks... Vampire Monologues... I like it because it is funny. The dialogues are witty and cute and it is very much like most of the theater plays I've seen in Singapore and very much enjoyable... What he lacks is.... A moral to his story... Which all plays usually have... But then that is just one of those rules... Where people all think we must have... Like we all wanna laugh and have fun but in the end we want to be taught a lesson... I actually didn't mind the ending... Even though there wasn't really much of a resolution and you don't really know the point of the story... But to me... Jack Neo's stuff... There isn't much of a point through out until you see the ending and you go "Oh yeah.... I have to be nice to old people" or "Ohh... Children are clever..." But as for this Vampire Monologues piece... You laugh... You have fun... Then you leave saying... "Yeah... Had a good time..." And you don't go home cracking your brain trying to decode some puzzle inside the story... But you know us... Just Follow Law.... Storytelling Law in Singapore says that all stories must have a moral and if the story has no moral then it is a BAD story and it's you FAIL... Good Job Gary... Not easy to make people laugh.

JD: You've been using that "somebody called" joke a lot lately.
Turk: Yeah, I can't help it.
—Scrubs
____________________________________________________________

"1974 called. They want their hair back," was said to Joe Dirt about his mullet.
____________________________________________________________
Subverted (but to make it funnier) in How I Met Your Mother.
Marshall wants to wear some really tacky pants
(I know what they were called, I just can't remember how to spell that guy's name).
Ted says, "1974 called. They want their hair back."
It was said to Joe Dirt about his mullet.

Ted says, "Bel Biv Devo called, and not even they want those pants back."
_____________________________________________________________
"Hey, Jermaine Jackson called ... he wants his hair back".
_____________________________________________________________
"Hitler called, He wants his look back." That was Aunt May from Ultimate Spider-man. At J freaking Jonah freaking Jameson.
_____________________________________________________________
At the end of Ocean's Eleven, "Ted Nugent called, he wants his shirt back."
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Dancing with the Stars
Sonia Kruger: [about a wig] Willie Mason called. He says he wants his hair back.
_____________________________________________________________
Degrassi The Next Generation episode "It's Raining Men"
Spinner: O.K., I guess it's Straight Eye for the Gay Guy.
Ok...this...Enrique called. He wants his shirt back.
_____________________________________________________________
* A good Degrassi The Next Generation example is the Wild Teen Party episode where Manny asks an increasingly drunken Emma, "Does Mexico know you've taken all of their tequila?"
Kyle XY episode "What's the Frequency, Kyle?"
Josh Trager: Hilary Duff called and she wants her shirt back.
Joan Of Arcadia episode "No Bad Guy"
Joan: What a coincidence, because the dork police called and said they want their leader back.
____________________________________________________________
The Office episode "The Merger"
Andy: Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.
____________________________________________________________
The Rocker
Robert 'Fish' Fishman: 1991 called, they want their teenage angst back.
____________________________________________________________
A variation in Seinfeld: "Hey, George! The ocean called, they're running out of shrimp."
"Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you!"
"What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller."
____________________________________________________________
Well the life support machine called...
Scrubs had J.D. describe an elderly patient as a "neat old lady" and Turk tells him "the 1930s called, they want their lingo back."
His repeated use of the trope in the conversation lead to the title quote above.
___________________________________________________________
Full House:
Stephanie: Hey Kimmy, Big Bird called. He wants his legs back.
Oswald on The Drew Carey Show won a wrestling tournament, and the trophy is, well...
"Wonder Woman called, she wants her belt back."
Graham Stark on Loading Ready Run spent $100 just to pull off the joke more effectively.
Ebaumsworld's game Avalanche routinely dishes out insults when you lose, one of which is "Your village called. They want their idiot back."

The Vampire Monologues
27 April 2009 at the Esplanade
Please call (65) 6837-0842 or
info@action.org.sg

The Vampire Monologues premieres on 14 April 2009, 8pm at

42 Waterloo Street.

To get free tickets, call 9222 4713 or 6837 0842

or email info@action.org.sg

What am I talking about?
OK, here's what I hate.
These Hollywood pricks make the trailer look and sound amazing... often with good choice of soundtrack... and when you hit
the movie... the song is not there!

The fuckers.

Movie	Song in trailer	Result
Starship Troopers	Song 2 (Woo Hoo!)	Angry
Confessions of a Shopaholic	Disturbia	Enraged
Watchmen	The Beginning is the End	Livid
Breakfast at Tiffany's	Breakfast at Tiffany's	Raaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!